I’ve called myself a cynic before. And I am one. Which is why it’s just so incredibly shocking that I can be optimistic about so many things. And every time I am, something or the other happens that totally destroys the entire concept of there being a thing such as ‘happiness’ or ‘good fortune’.
Take my current university project. My group’s was a train wreck. An unbelievable train wreck. I’d like to blame circumstances and the people around us, because in all honesty they were an important factor in the crap-heap that was our project – but there is a part of me that knows we have to take the blame too. Maybe if we had worked faster in the beginning we might have been able to salvage something. Maybe if I had held the reins tighter I could have led us to a better outcome. But I didn’t. And all of us panicked too late.
I don’t know what to think anymore. This has driven such a wedge in my already-minimal motivation that I don’t want to study at all right now. I just want to sleep. Or curl up and cry. I want to stop everything and scream at everyone until all the anger I feel has completely dissipated. Except I know I won’t do that. I’m going to try salvaging what we have, and I will remain optimistic about what we can do. Because I don’t have much of a choice now, do I?
It’s times like these when I think back on every possible instance of procrastination and go, ‘If only I’d done it then’. Not everyone learns from their past. Some, like me, are incredibly stubborn about the way they’ve carried on, and insist that they can pull through the same way. In the end, it hurts them, and they know it, but will they change? That can only be seen with time.
I want to change. I plan to. Regularly. Just haven’t got off my lazy bum to do it yet.