I forget sometimes how critical I am. Not ‘critical’ in the ‘I’m about to lose my shit’ sense – but ‘critical’ as in, ‘inclined to judge and find faults’. It can be anything, nothing, something – I am here to find flaws and tear it apart. Odd how that isn’t what I’m like if you meet me. Or am I? I can’t speak for other people’s impressions of me, but I really do think I come off as a happy if somewhat distant person.
But here’s the thing. I enjoy criticizing, even if it’s only in my head, even if it’s only myself (I actually really enjoy berating myself – guess it’s true that I have masochistic tendencies). I don’t want to be critical of people, but I. Just. Can’t. Help. It. I just can’t. Not possible, not happening, whoops sorry. It’s like a self-preservation instinct – don’t know what it’s preserving really, but it just kicks in when I’m with people.
HEY, now I sound like an anti-social shut-in, too. I’m not a hermit, I swear. All right, maybe a little anti-social, but I aim to change that. *Nod to self* Maybe if I start mingling more, I might be able to be a little less critical – you know, if you meet different kinds of people, you tend to be more open-minded… ? No? I think you do. I got off my high horse recently and realized that people I previously discarded as ‘Yeah, whatever’ are actually really nice, genuine people. More than I can say for myself. But self-deprecation later – I’m serious, I dismissed them as beneath me and only recently realized that I wasted a decent amount of time deprived of good company. And also, company that could have been useful.
Eventually, I suppose that’s what it boils down to. Knowing useful people. Not just for monetary or social gain, but for your own self. I mean, people who are useful when you’re depressed because they can make you laugh. People who are useful when you’re being unreasonable because they can slap some sense into you. People who can understand when to give to space, when to intervene, when to push you into doing something you should but don’t have the courage to do.
No, these people are not necessarily friends or family, but I think over time that is what you see them as. That is what they become from just ‘People You Happen to Know’. Or perhaps that is why your friends and family are important to you. *Sigh* I suppose you could also call that love.
See? Cynic. Someone might think I’m breaking down important relationships based on love into brittle things based on use. But isn’t every relationship based on some element of use? Maybe that’s an argument for another day. Here I am diverging and converging topics when all I really wanted to do was talk about my … criticalness. Is that even a word? (It is, according to thefreedictionary.com)
But I suppose there really isn’t much to say. This happens to make up an important part of who I am – it’s not one I’m proud of, but I can’t imagine life without being critical. Or being a cynic – that’s just part of my programming. Time might change me, but until then, this is who I am.
adamantescapist 